Ever since Lynn almost had to go on a ventilator in May, in the back of my mind I wonder what to expect about the future. I seriously try to just look at what today holds for me but whenever plans need to be made, I can’t help but worry. I can’t share this with Lynn. If I do he thinks I’m being pessimistic and that I don’t think things will turn out well. It makes him depressed because he thinks I think he’s not going to get any better… so I can’t talk to him about my fears…but they are there.
We’re going on vacation. I so want him to have fun and enjoy it but I’m afraid he won’t. I’m afraid he will feel bad and not be able to go fishing and not want to participate and be absolutely miserable. He will try not to put a damper on it for anyone but I’ll know and I’ll stay close by and I’ll just want to be home rather than there. That’s my fear for vacation.
We’re looking at building a new home. I want to be excited and make plans but my fears are there in the back of my mind. Will I be able to continue to work full-time so that I can pay the bills. The house we live in now needs so many repairs to be able to be put on the market. How can I pay for that and a new house too? Right now I’m working from home full-time. What if my job needs me to be on site and I can’t work from home anymore? Who will take care of Lynn? He cannot be alone for more than an hour by himself. His son is starting a new full-time job. Both my kids work full-time. He’s a big guy and needs a lot of help so not just anyone can stay with him. So what would that mean? A full-time licensed caregiver while I’m at work? Insurance isn’t going to cover all that. I won’t be able to afford a caregiver and paying to get a house built. See where my mind goes?
Sometimes it gets very overwhelming when I think of all the responsibility and how dependent he has become on me. I miss having the freedom to sleep a full night without having to get up to catheterize him or put him on his peddler because his leg is spasming. I miss being able to go to a store and shop. I have four gift certificates for a massage but I can’t be gone for the two-three hours I would have to be away to be able to use the certificates (and my muscle spasms in my back from lifting him by myself are constantly painful so I could really use the massage).
So what do I do when my mind starts going in those directions? I tell God it’s His. I can’t handle it and I’ll just have to trust He will take care of it when the time comes. Otherwise I would just go mad. But that works and I keep being able to cope and keep having hope. Thank goodness for faith in the fact that He will help me when the time comes. He always has.