I have the blues today

I don’t know why.  But I’m feeling blue. Maybe the atmospheric pressure is playing a role since we are waiting for  the hurricane to roll in tomorrow night.  I think it’s primarily due to lack of sleep and trying to get away today.

I worked till 10 last night and then Lynn wanted to lie down for a nap.  I put him to bed and had so much I needed to do that I let him sleep from 10:30 till 12:30.  I know that was a mistake and I knew it when I was doing it but I needed some uninterrupted time to finish what I was working on.  (Plus we spilled some urine on his seat cushion and I wanted to get his favorite socks, leg warmers and the seat cushion clean for him before he got up)….so I let him sleep. 

Of course he didn’t feel like eating right away when he woke up so I worked on downloading my contact list on my phone so I could transfer the information to my new phone. As usual I ordered what I needed over the internet so I was reading instructions so I could “do it myself.” I got him feed and into bed by 2:45 a.m.   I set my alarm for 9:00 a.m. because I was supposed to have a conference call regarding an issue at work.  At 4:00 a.m. he needed to be cathed.  I got up and did my thing, (while he slept) and was just about to settle back into bed when he decided he was too stiff to sleep and wanted to get up–so I got him up and got to bed around 5:00 a.m. He peddled till 7:00 a.m. and wanted to come to bed.  I was so tired.  I pulled up my work email and a message that I needed to reschedule the 9 a.m. meeting.  I went back to bed.  He got up at 9:00 a.m .  I went back to bed after getting him dressed and settled and fell right back to sleep.  My alarm went off again at 11. 

I had a 2:00 doctor’s appointment for myself.  It was for a physical but also to talk about my painful hands and hip joints and the fact that my feet are numb all the time now. I showered, got breakfast, got Lynn dressed, got his meds ready, we ate, I took him to the bathroom, checked my emails, got my stuff for the appointment, put a foley in him for the day since his son was going to stay with him, got a message his son was going to be late but to go ahead and go….In the middle of this, I had several “special” requests, help with his email, help with the window AC, measure something for the device he wants to have built to help him keep his legs moving while in bed.  Each interruption just caused me to become more tense.  I finally, in frustration, told him he couldn’t ask me for one more thing, I was going to be late. He then said, “that’s why I asked you if getting up at 11 would give you enough time.”  To which I responded, “but you also told me you didn’t want me to go if I was going to fall asleep driving so I was trying to get at least 6 1/2 or seven hours when all the naps were totaled.”  He agreed that was more important.  I finally ran out of the house to go to my appointment.

I made it right at 2. I have a 45 minute drive.  I got so sleepy driving and was so tired.  I listened to a book as I drove which helped but I was really more like a zombie.  I read while I waited for my appt. and was seen. My doctor told me I really needed to find a way to get some sleep or it was really going to take a toll on my health.  She admitted she knew that would be a challenge.  She also told me until I could get some rest, I probably wouldn’t be very successful trying to lose weight because the stress was causing my body to hold on to “stores” to fight the stress.

I think that’s part of why I’m blue.  I want to see if we can get someone to be here at night so I can sleep more than two hours at a time but Lynn is so against it.  He doesn’t want anyone but me to do anything for him.  He promises to find a solution; create a device to help him stay in bed.  He assures me he is getting better and it won’t be an issue soon.  I so want that to be true but I admit, I don’t believe he will get so much better, with or without the device he’s making, that I will be able to sleep. 

I asked him if while I was gone he could have Eric get the deck ready for the hurricane and to go to the gas station to fill up the gas can for the generator.  When I got home, nothing had been done.  He had not asked Eric to do any of it, including he hadn’t had lunch and nothing was put away from the things he had done while I was gone. In his defense, he just didn’t think of it but it made me sad. I wish he would think about me a little more and do things to make my life a little easier too.  I know he’s the disabled one and his burden is so much worse than mine. He is so appreciative of what I do and he tries to keep a positive attitude, but….I’m tired, and I’m sad, and I just want to be able to go to the store without rushing to get back home, and I want to not do anything of importance or any chores for a while.  Oh, well.  Time to get over my pity party.

Time to go get supper out of the stove.  Thank goodness all I had to do was heat something up tonight because I’ve been “at it” catching up work and trying to fix his computer  since I got home….It’s 11:30 pm. time to start the two-hour process of dinner and getting ready for bed.    Have a good night and stay safe from the hurricane.

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About mscaregiverdonna

I am a full-time caregiver for my spouse who has Multiple Sclerosis while I try to work full-time, take care of our home, and handle any number of other functions that used to be shared by the two of us. I'm learning that it's amazing what you can do when you have to and when you have God to send you the resources you need to manage moment by moment.
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