What a day!

I have had a terrible day and it’s all due to having to get a new modem to my computer.  I truly believe computers can either be your best friend or your worst nightmare and since about Wednesday, I’ve had it up to my eyeballs in frustrationwith them.

It's still not working!

First, on Tuesday, I lost the internet.  I HAVE to have the internet because that’s how I connect to work.  I called tech support and spent over an hour trying to figure out what was wrong.  They decided it was my modem and said they would have to send me one.  I was really upset.  If I can’t work from home, I have to go into work.  Who was going to stay with Lynn if I went in?  If I didn’t go in, I had to take a vacation day.  Who wants to take vacation because their internet is down?  I was on the verge of tears.  Lynn insisted he would be fine and I had to leave him home alone.  I didn’t want to but what other choice did I have?  I started getting him ready, getting the items he would need within reach, tidied myself up to go in (I don’t exactly dress professionally at home), and got ready to leave.  Fortunately, before I got to the main highway, Lynn called to say the internet was back up.  I was so relieved! I turned around and came home (so much for the tech support diagnosis).

Late Wednesday the modem came in by UPS.  Supposedly it’s faster than what I had so this morning I hooked it up.  I’ve been working on the x!@#$%^ thing all day!  First getting my computer set up took well over an hour because the activation process wasn’t working for me. I finally got that settled.  I then had internet but Lynn’s computer didn’t.  Tonight I spent 2 hours on the phone with a guy from India (who was extremely nice) but Lynn’s computer still doesn’t have internet connection.  It’s connected to my modem but the internet won’t come up. What’s with that?  I finally had to get off the phone. I have now hooked up a laptop for him to use but it’s got such a small keyboard and monitor I don’t know that he can use it at all.

I share all this because of the effect it had on us.  I was so frustrated all day–torn between wanting to help him (so he could work on his book marketing and play music from YouTube) and needing to work or do things around the house.  He knew how upset I was and that directly made him feel like a burden.  He had actually had a good day today.  He was able to do things in physical therapy and later when he was exercising that he hasn’t been able to do in a while.  He was so excited and all I could do was focus on the !@#$%^ computer.  My behavior stole his joy.  He was feeling so bad about being a burden to me that he was nearly in tears this afternoon. Then he recognized it was just Satan trying to steal his joy and undermine his progress so he would just give up. Which also showed me that Satan was doing the same thing to me so instead of seeing Lynn’s progress, I would just focus on the difficulties.  What a shame  😦 

I wish I could say I’ve learned my lesson but I know myself too well.  I can easily get overwhelmed and start to feel sorry for myself and then I take it out on him, letting him know how frustrated I am that he cannot do more himself and accusing him of not trying hard enough. He truly, truly tries but with fatigue and spasms, and just plain ole MS complications, he can only do so much. 

A child's prayer

Lord, please forgive me my attitude and self-pity and help me to appreciate the improvements and the successes.  And Lord please give me an extra measure of peace in my spirit so that the frustrations of trying to work on his computer tomorrow won’t result in the same thing.  Amen.

Advertisements

About mscaregiverdonna

I am a full-time caregiver for my spouse who has Multiple Sclerosis while I try to work full-time, take care of our home, and handle any number of other functions that used to be shared by the two of us. I'm learning that it's amazing what you can do when you have to and when you have God to send you the resources you need to manage moment by moment.
This entry was posted in Ms Journey and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to What a day!

  1. Amelia Brinson says:

    In response to “What a Day”……this was in my little devotional a few days ago…it has become one of my favorite sayings…it is referring to Exodus 4:11-12. The author writes…..
    Moses’ hesitation and insecurity were understandable. God wanted Moses to visit the king of Egypt, seek the release of the Hebrew people from captivity, and lead them out of Egypt.
    Seeing how God dealt with Moses’ fears and insecurities is helpful to us, because we have our own. God didn’t reassure Moses that he was tremendously capable. What God did assure Moses of was that He would be with him.
    God didn’t focus on the what – the task. He focused on the Who – Him! He promised Moses that He would be with him and He would instruct him. God, who promised to be with Moses, promises to be with us, too.

    With Mike having a stroke and him thinking that things will “just be fixed” without any effort on his part (meaning he doesn’t have to do his exercises)….I have recalled this many times lately. It helped me to get my thoughts and emotions back in line. His remote landed in the backyard one day. Satan does use our frustrations to sorta “entitle” us to feel every emotion. I am so thankful our God is stronger and shows us the way. He is the Way!

  2. Marilynn Rask says:

    you are an inspiration to me. My husband also has PPMS. He is unable to do anything for himself. I do it all. But when I read your story I realized that I did not have anything to complain about. Because he served in the Navy for 24 years, I am able to get necessary equipment that I needed. It may take awhile but the help comes. He has been unable to walk since 2003, the lifting was terrible, but I finally received a lift in 2005. My father always said to us growing up “their is always someone, somewhere, worse off than you, be grateful for what you have”. I wish you the best and enjoy reading your blog. You are in my prayers and thoughts.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s