Grieving over things lost

I thought I was beyond grieving about how things had changed. …or maybe we are never completely finished grieving over loss.  It seems to come back when you’re not expecting it which in many ways makes it harder to handle.

Here’s what brought it on this week.  Every morning as I’m preparing Lynn’s morning medications and nutritional supplements, he listens to his Bible lesson for the morning and then he plays a few songs off YouTube. He loves music.  He is a very talented musician and has a beautiful tenor voice.  Besides the fact that he can no longer play his guitars or hold drum sticks, he also can no longer sing.  His diaphragm muscles are too weak to sustain the slow release of oxygen needed to sing without having too many “breaks” in the lyrics. 

One of his daily exercises is to sing a little trying to strengthen those muscles.  I usually am not in the room when he sings and since he can’t sing very loudly (you need breath to project) I usually don’t hear him.  This week, however, I came into the room as he was singing along with Elton John’s, “I Guess that’s Why They Call it the Blues.”  I like the song as well, so I came into the room singing along.  As I was unhooking him from the peddlar so he could come into the kitchen to eat, we were singing along together.  I could just hear the sound of his former voice.  (Even as I write this, I have tears in my eyes and feel like crying.)  He could not sing a full verse and he would have to “cut out” at the highest notes, but the voice was still there. 

I miss that voice.

I think it was Lynn’s musical talents that made me fall in love with him in the first place.  I’m a sucker for a ballad singer…especially one who plays guitar. Plus he used to write me songs for special occasions that were beautiful.  He even wrote one for me that he sang at our wedding. (everyone say ahhhh…..)  For me, that was my most romantic part of our marriage and relationship. 

That’s pretty much gone now and I miss it.

I miss those times when we used to sing together with old songs on the radio. I miss when he used to surprise me with songs for special occasions.  I miss being in choir with him and practicing our parts as we drove somewhere.  I miss hearing his solos at church.  His voice could touch your soul it was so sweet.  I really miss it and I’m grieving that loss today.

I hope that it will return one day but I don’t expect it to.  During one of his hospitalizations, I was told his loss of lung capacity was significant and would likely decline further over time.  He’s much better now than he was but I also know that anything that affects his lungs could create a crisis for him.  Practicing singing will help make that more difficult but it won’t prevent it.

I guess the other part I miss is the intimacy that his singing gave us.  Our hearts connected during those times.  We can no longer be physically intimate and though we are closer now than we ever have been, the relationship is different when the husband has to have all his care provided by his wife.  The man wants so much to care for his wife, to protect her, to do for her and make her life better.  It’s the essence of being the husband.  When the wife becomes the protector, the provider, the one who cares for and does for both of them, it changes that relationship.  It’s still a good relationship but it’s different.  I miss my protector and I miss the romance.

I don’t know why I’m feeling this way all of a sudden.  I just got caught off guard by his singing…nothing else….but then I guess that is how grief is.  You think you’re okay and it sneaks up on you even as time goes by.  It’s just one more aspect of MS (or any life changing illness or injury) that we all live with…saying goodbye to what was and accepting what is.

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About mscaregiverdonna

I am a full-time caregiver for my spouse who has Multiple Sclerosis while I try to work full-time, take care of our home, and handle any number of other functions that used to be shared by the two of us. I'm learning that it's amazing what you can do when you have to and when you have God to send you the resources you need to manage moment by moment.
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4 Responses to Grieving over things lost

  1. Kathy says:

    I am so glad that you keep posting. It is good to know we are not alone in our feelings. You capture the way I feel so often. I miss many things about our former life too. My husband was also very romantic..with poems & cards flowers etc. He can no longer do any of those things & I miss it too. I love him very much but, he is a different person than the one I married. I suppose that is true of me also…Thank you for posting!

  2. Robbi says:

    Gosh girls, I am hearing and living everything you both say. So very sad how things have changed. At least we can lay next to each other and I can hold him. Love reading your post, I too feel good knowing someone out there REALLY gets it. We have great friends and family but until you’ve lived it you don’t really get it. Thanks for posting.

  3. Maria says:

    At last I found someone who really knows how it feels inside. Sometimes I feel so alone… people tend to think that we are a poor lost couple wirh this horrible thing that ended our lifes, wich is not true at all, or that everything is easy, and you know that’s not true either.
    I’ll be visiting many times, now that I found support through your posts.
    Thank You!

    • mscaregiverdonna says:

      Welcome and I’m glad we can share. It helps to know there are others who understand and are surviving the same.

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